


To Be Alone

by angellinetti



Series: Songfics [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, M/M, Oblivious Simon Snow, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Songfic, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 16:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16433147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angellinetti/pseuds/angellinetti
Summary: My heart skips a beat, and then another, and another. Maybe I’m having a heart attack. Maybe I’m falling in love. They’re the same, if you think about it. Clammy hands, difficulty breathing, heart palpitations. But maybe a heart attack would be better than this.I wrote this as a vent, but then I read it and realized that if you really wanted to, you could read it in Baz's point of view. So yeah, here is me being the hopeless romantic I am.(I was also listening to my Hozier playlist, which is definitely noticeable.)





	To Be Alone

_**To Be Alone**  
_

  
  
_  
_

_{And it's worth it, it's divine_

_And I can have this some of the time._

_[He's] gonna save me,_  
_Call me "baby"_  
_Run [his] hands through my hair ._  


_[He'll] know me crazy,_  
_Soothe me daily_  
_Better yet [he] wouldn't care._

_All you have is your fire_  
_And the place you need to reach.}_

 

Fun fact about me. I’m a hopeless romantic. Love comes easy. Well, more the idea of love comes easy. I warmly welcome the idea of being someone’s love, of loving someone else.

Love to me is like when your third grade teacher told you to visualize a story that was being read aloud. When I feel in love, I look at someone and envision our future. I think of me being so happy that I jump into their arms and kiss them. We would just laugh, feeling as if we were the happiest people on Earth. I see us slow dancing to one of my favorite songs. Maybe by Hozier.

I envision our wedding day and what it will be like.

Will we invite our friends? Of course. They’ll look stunning and I’ll let a few tears fall. But not from sadness, just pure joy of getting to that day.

I imagine them being my entire world, the only thing keeping me sane.

But then reality crashes down, and I see them as they see me. No one special, just there.No more imagining, just seeing. But a month or so later, it happens again. Just like always.

But this time, it’s worse. It is so much worse.

 

✶

 

He smiles at me.

My heart skips a beat, and then another, and another. Maybe I’m having a heart attack. Maybe I’m falling in love. They’re the same, if you think about it. Clammy hands, difficulty breathing, heart palpitations. But maybe a heart attack would be better than this.

I’m me and he’s him. We’re barely even friends.

But sometimes if I’m really lucky, others think we’re together. I let my mind wander, let myself slip away to a world where I can be with him and we can be together. I can have the joy of it some of the time.

But other times he responds. He says that it’s “disgusting”. I try not to let my face fall. I forget so quickly. And it hurts being able to stray from reality so easily. And maybe I have a playlist dedicated to us, but does it matter? No. It never does.

When I don’t see him during the day, I’m sad. But I know that I should get used to it. He’s not mine and I’m not his. I’m no one’s. I’m just… me. Some days talking to him makes me feel unlovable, but he’s the only one who makes me feel loved. It’s the weirdest thing. It’s torture to stay by him all day, him being oblivious and me being far too attentive.

On days where I’m feeling really good about myself, I take risks. As if I’m walking on a wire, a couple hundred feet above the ground. I make comments about us being together. I say, “I love you”, I try to make him see.

But it’s as if he’s behind a mist. He can’t see me, the real me and my real emotions. He just sees who I need to be.

Being in love with him taught me that I have to be strong, fend off the lions that are my emotions. They bite and they scratch, but I bite and scratch back. I’m well equipped for anything that could happen. He taught me to be.

And the day we grow up, the day I grow up, I’ll be ready. I have him to thank for that. It’s always him, good or bad.

I have demons. He taught me to be ruthless, just like them. They’re rowdy, ruthless, and terrible. He is able to silence them. But he can also raise them and fuel their appetite for destruction. He still taught me how to control them. But he won’t be there anymore. I’ve got to keep them tied down; I have to learn how to keep them on a leash. And I’ll use them to get ahead and to stay ahead of love.

I’m going to take those years of unrequited feelings, and I am going to take those ruthless demons who told me I was unlovable, cruel, stupid and unable to get anywhere, and I am going to build a fortress out of my pain and suffering. I’m going to show everyone who ever doubted me that I am capable of greatness. That I _am_ worthy of love. That I can be loved. I’m going to turn my demons into the fuel for my fire. And I’m going to use that fire to get to anything I imagine. I’m going to use that feeling of him not loving me, and I’m going to be greater, better than I was.

And the day I see him again, the day he sees what I have become, I’m going to cry. And when he looks at me and asks, “How’d you do this? Why’d you do this?”

I’ll tell him, “It was you, it was _always_ you.”

But I’ve grown up, and now all I have is the fire I created. I’ll never be able to control it. It burns me, and whenever I’m close to anyone, I burn them too. I can never be close to anyone. I can never be close to _him_.

I can no longer trust myself with this power, this fire. I’m wretched and cold. All I am is fire, all I’ll ever be is fire, burning everything down in my path.

Fire is greedy. All it wants is destruction, and I gave it some. It destroyed me, all to get here. All to get to me feeling powerful. To me feeling greater than my emotions.

All this to feel in control of myself. And once I’m over falling in love so easily, I’ll be proud. I’ll find my potential, and then maybe I’ll find someone for me. But the fire is still there.

The fire is always there.

And maybe I have to pay a price. Maybe to keep from burning anyone but myself, I have to stay by myself. To hide from love.

**To be alone.**

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to post this somewhere.  
> I've had it ready for a while, but didn't have anything to do with it. I gave it to a few friends for them to read, but that's it.  
> I guess this could be read as anyone. You could read it as Agatha, Baz, Simon, or someone who's not even in the Carry On books.  
> I tried.  
> Also, can you tell that I like Hozier a lot, because I totally do.


End file.
